Buried in the Silence of the Answer

I hope this bugs you

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 06:13:51 GMT

ambivert
n. a person having characteristics of both extrovert and introvert

So basically I was being an introvert tonight and needed to spend some time alone... So, like any person who wants to relax and spend time alone, I rode my longboard to some place I'd never been.

I don't know what it is about riding around on a board... ok I do. Anyway, I kept going until I found things I'd never seen before. So I followed them. The I found more things I'd never seen.

On to the point of the story... I found a spot that was so amazing I had to sit and bask in its beauty. It might not have been beautiful to anyone else, but to me, it was amazing.

As I sat and enjoyed my time of rest, I suddenly saw a huge shadow passing across the garage of a house across the street. An indeterminable shape passed across this house about once per second. For a while I couldn't figure out what this shape was. It changed each time it passed and became darker and lighter each time I saw it.

Eventually I decided to look at the source. The only way a shadow is created is by a light source. Looking up at the streetlight I could not see a thing; until suddenly... there it was! A tiny little moth fluttered in and out of the light. It didn't register with me right away.

A tiny, insignificant little bug was creating a shadow ten feet long. Because I am a nerd, I looked this up: a moth is about 6 millimeters. That means that the tiny little moth created a shadow 500 times its own size. When it flew away from the light, it created nothing at all.

That's when it hit me. (No, not the moth... the realization.) God spoke to me and said: just like this little moth, your mark on the world will be far greater than your small size if you will stand in my Light.

God's light is the source of all things, and if we stand in His light, our impact will be far greater than anything we could hope to do on our own.

Just like God says that we need only a mustard seed of faith, our insignificance can be used if we step into the Light Source.

I know this is a strange analogy but it was encouraging to me :)

Wait for it... Wait for it!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 05:40:21 GMT

America is known as the land of consumerism... We think we deserve instant gratification for whatever it is we think we need (material possessions, careers, relationships, our plans, etc). 'Wait' is not a very popular word. We HATE being told to wait. Our culture has rid many of the waiting periods we are told by God to uphold. In Biblical times, men and women saved themselves for their spouses; it didn't 'slide' if they did it beforehand.

Credit cards enable us to get what we want right when we want it - we don't need to work for something before we can get it. Everything in life has become about hurrying and getting what we want, and only later do we realize that getting these things STILL doesn't make us happy.

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

'Waiting patiently' does not sound 'fun' to us, so we just don't do it. But if you notice, when we wait, God seems to come through for us. Trying to push things to happen (careers, relationships, ministries, etc) shows God that we aren't willing to wait for Him to do it in his way, and his timing.

Psalms 37:34

Wait for the Lord and keep His way. He will exalt you...

Luke 1:20

And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time."

Whether or not we realize it, things don't work out correctly when we don't wait on God.

Isaiah 40: 31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint"

Renewed strength, flying with wings as eagles, running without weariness or fainting... sounds good to me! Over and over again in scripture we see evidence of those who wait for God's promises and are rewarded for it:

David was annointed king by Samuel but had to wait 25 years before he could finally sit on his throne.

God told Abram to leave his father's house and follow him (Genesis 12:1-3), giving him six promises:

I will make a great nation from you

You will be blessed

You will be a blessing

I will make your name great

I will bless those who bless you

I will curse those who curse you

Abraham was nearly 100 years old before Isaac was born (25 years after being given the promise). (Abram did not think he would ever have children because he was so old.) He trusted in God's promise that his family would become a great nation, and God fulfilled this promise, in His timing.

Joseph was promised that his family would one day bow to him. This took about 20 years for this to be fulfilled. He had to be sold into slavery by him own family, thrown in jail, forgotten by those he helped, and tested before he could finally receive his promise. After his time of waiting, though, he was given power and leadership he could have never dreamed possible by his own terms.

There is a recurring theme here... those who have waited on God have been blessed by God.

Jeremiah 29: 11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God tells us He has plans for us which include a hope and a future, prosperity, and freedom from harm. That sounds pretty good to me. His plans are much better than any I could create on my own.

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Obviously, we cannot escape problems in our lives. It is the inevitable result of sin in the world. This is why we need to fully depend on God and trust in His promises.

Romans 8:25

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. wait expectantly

God tells us to wait expectantly... This means we are to expect Him to do great things, but first we need to wait!

waiting developes perseverence that builds our character and enables us to become more humble in our walk with God and with others.

We can't expect to understand it all. Not knowing the future makes life exciting! There's really no point in knowing it all, because we still wouldn't know what to do with it.

Where are you going to be in 5 or 10 years?
What job will you have?
Who will you know?
Where will you live?
Only God knows! But He has good plans, so there's no need to worry!

Whatever is happening in your life, don't give up! Wait for promises! (Notice, I can't repeat enough that waiting leads to fulfillment of God's promises!)

Immerse yourself in the Bible and in prayer, memorize scripture that pertains to your situations and remind your self of God's promises.

We're in a metaphorical exile like moses. We need to continue walking until the time comes for us to reach our promised land.

We need to show God that we are willing to do His will, EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T KNOW IT! Tell God He's worth it no matter what the plan is. It's pointless to expect things from God when we don't seek Him, wait for his promises, and sacrifice for him. Then all you need to do is create space! DOn't be "too busy for God" or he will realize you aren't ready for Him to show Himself.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under the heaven

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It's easier than you think to turn your life around...

Study God's word,
Trust His faithfuless in those promises,
Wait on Him,
Receive more than you could have dreamed for yourself!

And remember, anything worth having is worth waiting for :)

(Thanks to http://nigeriaworld.com/feature/publication/awodele/080307.html)

The Missing Piece

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 06:19:49 GMT

Remember the times before cell phones and the internet?

We didn't have these things, and we did just fine. Sure, we imagined things could have been easier or better, but we were just fine without them. NOW, we can't imagine living a week (let alone a DAY) without using the internet or our cell phones.

We created a new need for ourselves. I'm not exempting myself from this. Ironically, my phone has been broken for 2 days and I've had to deal with it. It was hard in the beginning but now it's almost nice not to have my phone with me... (Not that I don't miss your calls and texts :)

In life, I've learned that we are content with our lives, but then we create new 'needs' in our lives; things we just can't live without.

Once we get to the point where we feel like we're incomplete without this new thing, it basically makes us unhappy more than it makes us happy.

When we feel empty inside, our radar is turned on to find something (or someone) to fill that hole. When we feel incomplete, we're always looking to complete ourselves. The problem is, we can't complete someone else unless we're already complete.

We had a woman speak about something similar in chapel last week.

The way we create problems:

Needing control
Being self-absorbed
Feeling like we're missing a piece

John 15:11 says "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

This means our joy (not our happiness) becomes complete in JESUS, not in whatever we try to fill our emptiness with.

How to fix our emptiness:

Realize that God is in control. This doesn't mean to stop trying and be passive in life, but it also means not trying to force things to go our way.

Give ourselves away. Jesus came here to serve, and we should follow his example. Feeding our own selfish desires, if we really think about it, does not make us happy. Serving others CAN make you happy.

Realize that only God can make us whole. Looking for other things to fill the emptiness inside just creates another thing we 'need' in life and make us feel even less complete when we don't have it.

I write about this because it's been my struggle lately. (I don't want to get into the details.) I'm almost always happy, have a smile on my face, and enjoy every moment I get to experience, but a new 'need' crept up into my life. When this thing wasn't there, it would make me feel empty, even though I was perfectly content before this need was there.

I love how God makes things work out like this. This speaker, for example, spoke directly to this problem. She talked about 'the missing piece' and it felt like it was directly for me.

After a few long talks with God, things are getting better. I'm realizing, like I need to keep learning, that God is really ALL i need. Once you accept the fact that you need nothing but God, He usually gives you more than you need.

God is good :)

You can't fix stupid hahaha I love this!

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 01:19:00 GMT

Creation Appreciation

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 04:52:14 GMT

As I've said before, the world is a very beautiful place, while at the same time being a very ugly place. It just depends how you look at it.

Lately, I've seen the amazing beauty of the world. We sometimes call it "creation appreciation". It's become very easy to look at something and think, "Wow, God, you did an amazing job creating that".

To look at the stars, the sunset, the open sky, and the people God has created, it's hard to miss the beauty created by His hand.

Sometimes the amazing beauty of God's work literally takes me breath away. I honestly am in love with God and am truly captivated by everything He's made.

God is, essentially, made of strength and beauty. When you depend on his strength, life becomes a whole lot easier. I've learned that when you doubt (God, or yourself), that is when you start to fall. When you fully trust in God, things just 'happen' to work out, 'somehow.'

There are lots of people you can look at and just see God's amazing work. You can really see the beauty manifested in their lives. I appreciate those people. It's like a glimpse into the hear of God.

God's strength and beauty are so apparent the more I look, and THAT is why I'm always smiling. Everything seems so much more amazing and so much more beautiful when you love God with everything in you.

Well, I love Jesus. I love His creation. I love the people He's made and put in my life.

2, 4, 6, 8 I appreciate! ;)

It's Nice :)

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 23:02:34 GMT

It's funny how things change.. and it's funny how things stay the same. Basically, everything is pretty funny. (Not chemistry, though.) So at first I was pretty quiet and reserved when I got here, but then I had a long talk with God and he told me to just be myself. It's definitely a lot more fun for me, and people seem to enjoy it, too. People figured out I'm weird and crazy, so there's no point in trying to hide it anymore.

I also think it's funny how I got extremely sick (bronchitis and lung infection and asthma attack) in the first week of class. Not haha funny, but ironic funny. Anyway, I'm still catching up from that. God has been able to show me how amazing he is through these things. I look forward to going to chapel and church any chance I can because I can't wait to be in God's presence again. It's pretty exciting...

I walk around school with a smile on my face basically all the time. I must look crazy to everybody that sees me. Like I've got some secret in my head that nobody else knows. Well, that's pretty much what it is..

My secret is that I like being happy, and smiling makes me happy, and being happy makes me smile. Pretty simple, I know. It's really nice if you try it, though. I can find something funny in almost every situation, and that definitely helps me stay happy too. Things go through my mind that either wouldn't make sense to anyone else, or they would just think it was dumb. That's ok though, because knowing everyone else would find it dumb just makes me laugh more (inside my head) because I know I'm crazy haha

I've been extremely (unquenchably) thirsty for over a week now. I can't help drinking... It's like I'm addicted haha but getting up repeatedly to get more things to drink just gives me more things that I find funny (like people doing awkward thing).

Anyways, so I've made a lot of good friends, and lots more acquaintances. It's nice to know people see my craziness and spend time with me anyway! It's also nice to be able to be there for people who need somebody. It's also nice to be myself and be happy. Basically, it's nice.

Bible in a minute :)

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:52:05 GMT

College life... day 4

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 02:46:02 GMT

This is only my fourth day living in the dorm at Vanguard, and I'm already a different person than I was when I got here.

I know that's strange, and it's strange to me, too.

The people here are pretty amazing, which is part of why it doesn't feel anything like home.

EVERYONE is super nice. People smile at you when you walk past them. People come up to talk to you and meet you. It's not cliquey. It's nothing like COC. I basically love it already (although classes don't start until tomorrow haha). I'm still not used to living here, but it's getting better.

The people definitely make this a much different experience than my old college.

It's just a bit farther from home than I wish it was...

I figured out that love is important...

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 06:10:30 GMT

Now you may think, DUH, of course love is important!

The problem is, people THINK they love each other, but really they don't. With two specific relationships in mind, I decided to take 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 apart....

Now there are 16 things this verse says about love:

Love is patient.
love is kind.
It does not envy
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails.

The only major problem with one of these relationships was the lack of love (and the rest of the problems resulting from that). Sure, there was enjoyment, commitment, and fun, but that's an empty relationship.

No matter how strong you think your relationship is, without those 16 things listed above, your relationship will fall apart.

I'm not going to pick apart the relationship that failed. I don't need to. (But, I can tell you when I thought about it quickly, it didn't do well.) I'm going to pick apart the one that was a true friendship and see how it does:

Love is patient. Check!
love is kind. Check!
It does not envy Check!
it does not boast, Check!
it is not proud. Check!
It is not rude, Check!
it is not self-seeking, Check!
it is not easily angered, Check!
it keeps no record of wrongs. Check!
Love does not delight in evil Check!
but rejoices with the truth. Check!
It always protects, Check!
always trusts, Check!
always hopes, Check!
always perseveres.Check!
Love never fails.Check!

Wow... It's amazing how God can show you great one thing is when there is something so drastically different. I'm sure if I knew what I knew now I could've prevented it from collapsing (or at least kept the end from being as hard as it was), but for now I can only learn from this. I am not without fault, because I'm definitely NOT perfect, but I have learned a LOT about people recently through this time...

I know that I need to check myself against the above list. I need to make sure that ever person I consider a friend would check off everything on that list when they thought of me.

And thank you Andrew for being an amazing friend.

Hi, I'm a Christian!

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 06:08:20 GMT

It's easy to live your life like an 'ordinary person' as opposed to living like a Christian. It's not that you openly sin (at least hopefully not), but you aren't as careful about what you do. I'm not saying to be fakely good.. Don't take it that way, but when you aren't known as "The Christian," you aren't watched as closely.

Well today, my brother bought me a Jesus fish/cross for my car and a bumper magnet that say "on fire with God". When I got in my car, the realization of the stickers made me change the way I drove. I (basically) follow the traffic laws and don't cut people off or drive in a rude way, but it made me look at it differently.

If I was driving and having a bad day, I might have an angry face or be a little more rash in my decisions.. But with those stickers, representing myself as a Christian, I'm representing CHRIST. I'm an ambassador for him. It made me more conscious of what I was doing. It made me smile at people more.

When I'm having a good day and I'm extremely happy, I smile at people a lot more, and often they smile back (with genuine smile). If you've ever had a stranger smile at you, you know the feeling. Why don't we smile at people very often? There's no harm in it. If we're representing Christ, we need to show the world God's love through our actions EVERY day.

I'm not saying to be fake if you're having a bad day, but just be conscious of your actions. If your friends, coworkers, or classmates know you as a Christian, would God be proud to have you called that? Or would he be embarrassed to know the way you live in relation to your title of 'Christian".

Don't embarrass God. Live your life so that every person you meet will know that you LOVE God and that, through God, you can show the world how much He love them, too.

Sometimes....

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 22:43:04 GMT

Sometimes the world seems SO beautiful, and sometimes it seems SO ugly.

The truth is, it's both. Totally wonderful and totally disgusting at the same time. It depends how you look at it. It's not possible to always make it look amazing, because the horrible parts are ubiquitous.

A few days ago I was looking at the world and it was just amazingly beautiful. It must be the way God intended for us to see it. There is nothing all too significant about a tree.. It's made up of wood and leaves, yet it can have amazing beauty when you really look. Other things seem to be nice but are, in all actuality, ugly, ugly things.

People might fit into a similar category. They're ugly and beautiful at the same time (and no, I'm not talking about physical beauty). The uniqueness and genuineness of a person's true self can be one of the most amazing things in the world. When someone acts REAL, holds back nothing of their true self, and simply lives... that is an amazing thing. Then there is the ugliness of human sin and fakeness.

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this, but it bothers me more that most things when a person is fake. If you're ashamed of who you truly are, why don't you change? I'm not saying you need to let down all of your walls and bare you heart to the world, but why act fake? There are few things abhorrent to me. I can't stand fakeness. BE YOURSELF! Please, for my sake if not for you own haha...

But honestly... seeing a person's true, unadulterated, unique personality, is one of the beauties of humanity. I love seeing a person open up and share with me how weird and strange they can be. Like a quote I recently heard, "It's when you see a person acting ridiculously silly that you realize how much you really love them".

If someone would judge you for the person you are deep inside (your TRUE self), there's no point trying to impress them with a facade. It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not... But honestly, if you share your true self, more than likely people will love you all the more, not less, for being yourself.

Faith or Trust?

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 04:30:09 GMT

I've changed a lot over the last couple years, and while parts of it are very good, there are also parts I need to revert back to.

I used to be known as "fearless". I was generally carefree and laid back, and I loved that. If you're carefree, you can't be stressed or anxious or worried.

I don't think I could quite call myself fearless lately. Lately I've been 'afraid' my asthma would never go away, and 'afraid' my relationships were falling apart.

I used to be SO happy. ALL the time, too. It wasn't the way it is now. Things didn't bother me, so I didn't get bothered.

I need to go back to that.

On Saturday I went to the beach with Isaac and for a few hours I felt that carefreeness that I used to have. We went out into the water and pushed past the waves. Eventually one would be too big and would throw us down and flip us around. We lost all control, but I wasn't afraid for even a second. I know it sounds weird, but for that time, while being slapped around by big waves, I felt the most relaxed I have in months. It didn't cross my mind that I might drown or get hurt. I was RELAXED. I know it sounds crazy...

But it was wonderful. I need to go back to that part of myself that's gone away with the rest.

I need to go back to a time when I KNEW that God would take care of me no matter what.

While praying for my asthma, my dad reminded me of Shadrach Meshack and Abednego. They trusted that God would protect them when they were thrown into the furnace, "But..." they said, "even if he doesn't save our lives, we will still trust Him". That's how I need to be.. It's possible that I could be killed any day, things can (and will) go wrong, but fearing those things or worrying about then DEFINITELY won't help.

I need to become fearless Rachael again. I never saw a point in fear, and now I need to get out of the habit. Fear is from the devil. Trust is from the Lord. I need to trust.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:10:31 GMT

When two people you've known for over a decade show up at church with injuries all over their bodies because of a car accident, it's natural to be concerned. They need to be loved on and showed they're cared about.. What about the rest? I've heard this quote many times:

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

It's easy to get mad at people that do you wrong or make mistakes against what you want, but in all honesty, who actually LIKES to be mean? I don't know anyone who does.

(I believe that) Every person who is rude, mean, or angry is so because of how THEY have been wronged in the past. It's a never-ending chain-reaction unless someone does something about it.

If we treat every person as if they are really going through something tough, we'll be more understanding, more loving, and able to show Christ's love to them (whether or not they believe).

When was the last time you did something nice for someone and didn't expect anything in return? For a stranger maybe? Most people have trouble remembering the last time.

As Christians it's easy to get caught up in the "following the rules" part of being a Christian, but forget about the "going out and making disciples" part of it.

If our lives are not about ourselves, they must be about others. Jesus did not say, "Let's check the supplies to see if we can help all these hungry people," but instead said, "pass out the food". His faith and willingness to help people is an example of what we need to do.

I know I wrote about how there's no point in anything in life except God, but it's not about stopping fun and fellowship. It's all about representing Christ to the people who haven't yet had the opportunity to see Him for themselves.

So next time you go somewhere to indulge in one of your daily pleasures (Starbucks, fast food, donut shop, etc), try thinking about the other people. Think of how happy you could make someone (in this 108 degree heat) just by giving them an ice cold soda (that costs you a dollar 7). It's not about the money at all, because whether we admit it or not, if we can spend it on ourselves, we can spend it on someone else.

It's not about us. It really isn't.

Just like the song from Kids Jam last night...

"Here is my life Lord
You can use me
To show the world You care"

It's time to really give God our lives and let Him use us to show the world how amazing He is.

What are you doing???

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:06:21 GMT

What are you doing??? Seriously. Do you ever stop to think about that? Think about what you're actually doing with you life and your time?

I was having a conversation with God on Wednesday night. I talked to Him, and he spoke to me but in a way I can't exactly explain.

We talked about how life is so temporary and we waste it with so many pointless things.

Possessions are almost all pointless. Bibles are practically the only possessions that have any real worth in this world.

We waste so much of our time doing things for US. For the people who are already saved, they need to keep themselves spiritually fed and growing, but what after that? SO much of our time is wasted doing things for ourselves!

The things that we do in our free time is a total waste! If you think of some of the things you do with your free time.. how much of it it helping someone? Witnessing? Teaching people about Jesus' love for them?

Watching TV, playing video games, reading novels, wasting hours on the internet, sitting around by the pool. Sure, it might be nice or relaxing (and that's important too) but needs to be in moderation. We need to take care of ourselves, but we're so selfish in everything we do!

When we're bored or have free time, we think about what WE want at that moment. I WANT to watch a movie or I WANT to go on myspace for 3 hours. It's all so pointless! By tomorrow it won't matter if you relaxed or had hours of fun. The only things that last are the things we do for other people or for God.

Having a good time is nice, but what does it do? It won't last past a day or two.

Think of all the opportunities you miss to do something for God. Think of all the people to whom you could show God's love rather than giving in to your worldly desires.

I'm not saying not to have fun or take care of yourself. I'm just trying to say that we need to think about what's REALLY important in life.

We need to ask ourselves every minute of every day... "Who will this help? Will the effect of this last past today? Past death?"

We need to think of the things outside of ourselves. Most things won't last past the time we spend on this earth. If we think about other people and using ourselves to show them Christ's love, think about how many souls we could help save!

If you ask me, that's WAY more important than anything we could do for ourselves.

We're already saved, now we need to help the rest!

it's been a while...

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 05:02:06 GMT

Turns out I'm too busy to write blogs. So here I am on spring break, writing a blog.

I bought my dad's car today... Well the one I've been driving for months, but now it's officially MINE! It's a Crown Victoria Police Interceptor (aka a retired cop car, painted silver to avoid impersonating an officer)

It looks something like this:

Except that's a LOT newer version of mine, and a LOT shinier. (Makes me wanna paint/wax mine hah)

I like it though. It's really fun to drive.

So that was the event of the day. I finally spent all my savings money on something :)?

So Ben wasn't able to go on his cruise, which made me really sad, especially because everyone was gonna be gone and I prayed for somebody to hang out with.. and I feel kinda guilty... haha but I had a lot of fun hanging out with him on Saturday and Sunday. I just know he'd be much happier in Mexico right now...

Another thing is, I think Drew was right. God is probably trying to prepare me for moving away to Vanguard. I need to get used to being away from people and not being sad about it, because I was for a while. I'm learning to accept it, and be happy with what I have.

Also, my asthma has been doing REALLLY well lately (and by THAT I mean that it's doing a great job at attacking my lungs and making me feel miserable. I don't mean that my breathing is great haha).

So I'm thinking about becoming a doctor or something.. maybe a scientist.

Cuz I'm gonna find the cure for asthma. Don't laugh at me, cuz I'm very determined. Ok I take that first part back. You can laugh at me whenever you want. That's what I'm here for :)

"I'm Special, You're Not" Right? No...

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 21:07:00 GMT

If you have any idea of what's been going on with me the last week, you'll be glad to hear that I'm ok now. Things have been better, I'll just leave it at that.

But now I'm doing alright.

I forgot what I was gonna say, but here's something else I've been thinking about.

One of the things that I've noticed kids (and people in general) want is to feel special. Another thing kids (people) want is to make sure others DON'T feel special.

Here's an example of a normal conversation between two boys:

Kid 1: I went camping and there was a BEAR in our camp!
Kid 2: Oh yeah, well at my camp I saw 2 bears and one got inside our tent! And later on that trip I fell and twisted my ankle.
Kid 2: That's nothing. I sliced open my leg on a rock yesterday and had to get 20 stitches!

Ok so this is just one I made up, but I hear things like this everyday at work, and I remember stories my sister told me all the time growing up. Every time she was excited about something, her best friend Kayla would say something to make her feel like she was nothing special and she did something much cooler.

I see it ALL the time. After I realized the kids do it, I've noticed it a lot wherever I go. Try to listen for it.. See if you notice it too.

Boys seem to downplay others' experiences and make theirs sounds cool or more dangerous (like bigger scars or scarier experiences) and girls compare how many boys like them or how many people complimented them that day. What's with that?

I can understand wanting to feel special.. who wouldn't? But also the goal of making sure OTHER people don't feel special is not a good thing.

I'm temped to do it once in a while too, and I don't know why.

But.. it does change the way I am with the kids. I purposely forfeit my desire to put my two cents in about my own life and just let them feel special. Human nature is very weird, so watch out.

My brain feels retarded (literally)

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:15:36 GMT

I thought of some really interesting stuff. I forgot what most of it was, but it comes back randomly throughout the day when Im not trying to remember.

I finished my philosophy homework. It was actually really... I guess fun? I enjoyed doing it. Not feeling too great right now (and by that I mean I'm feeling REALLY sick again and my brain is still ehhh but less ehhh than it was yesterday...)

So I only need to finish the homework from my other 3 classes tomorrow. Oh joy... Haha first week and I'm already swamped with work. I think next time I won't be able to go see a movie or go to a women's breakfast.

It's 10 pm, and I don't think I can (or should) stay up anymore.

My brain is retarded right now. It take me about twice as much time to think things through as it usually does. Today I'm feeling dull haha. I don't like when my brain moves so slowly. It really feels retarded.

Speaking of retarded, I can't find my numba one!

Ok I'm gonna go sleep.

It would be cool if you prayed for me. I usually forget to pray for myself because I feel selfish trying to name all the things I'd like God to help me with.. But I know he can do it, I just wish I could be satisfied with all the junk. Too bad...

Lungs, general sickness, headaches, breathing, lungs, exhaustion, breathing, and school. That's what you can pray for if you find yourself with too much free time. Mhmm... Thanks. Oh and did I mention my breathing? Yeah.

Goodnight

something happened

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 05:55:10 GMT

Something happened to my heart...

I can't explain it to you because I'm really bad at putting my feelings/thoughts into words. I don't really understand it too well myself.

I was at a point in my life where I was always happy and nothing could get me down.. Now I'm somewhere else.

Not really sure what happened, but I am pretty sure it was the devil, mostly because things happened in the only kinda way it could have gotten to me.

I guess I don't feel right, and I don't feel quite like myself. Not sure who I feel like, though. Somebody I don't like as well as my "old self".

Certain things don't make me happy the way they used to. People are different (or at least my relationships with them [or lack thereof]).

Even church doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel like it means what it used to. When people say "I love you" or give me hugs or ask me how I am, it isn't the same. Once again I'm forced to either lie to people (tell them I'm doing well) or I'm forced to try to explain that which I don't even understand.

Things just don't feel right... Church doesn't feel like home. Home doesn't feel like home lately (and I mean just very lately). I've always had a good relationship with my dad, and while it's still there, he's been getting angry at me lately and arguing with me.

I feel kinda out of place in life right now, I suppose. Kelly didn't even tell me about the thing that happened today. (And don't worry if you read this, Kelly. It's not even you. It's just that all these little things add up all at once and make me feel this way.)

Uncomfortable... I guess that's the word to describe my life right now. Who knows why, either. Uncomfortable in Kids Jam, uncomfortable with people at church, uncomfortable with my future.

Things feel a bit fake right now... Nothing feels very genuine...

And here's the conflict of self:
I feel somewhat like a loner, and so I'll try to be around people or act as part of the group, but it doesn't feel right, doesn't feel real. In result, I back away and purposely stay alone and not with the group. It feels like I just can't get in. I'm not even sure if I want to anymore.

This is part of why I can't wait for school to start. I can get consumed in my classes and forget this stuff. The problem with that is that once school ends or I run out of homework, I'm eventually going to need to face this. I'd do it now but I can't seem to figure it all out.

How do I get in? I'm out of ideas, really.

I'm sure people will read this and tell me they're always available if I need them and tell me "you ARE part of the group!" but those kinda words don't help me much at all. Like I said before, I'm not good at putting my heart into words, and I'm also not good at putting words into heart.

And this is longer than I expected it to be. All I really wanted to do was write so whoever read this could understand why I haven't been at all the places I used to be, or why I've somewhat lost interest in things I used to do all the time, or why I'm "suddenly" more "to myself".

I don't know what it is...

As I said before, something just happened to my heart, and I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's missing...

not my favorite kind of adventure

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:38:28 GMT

I've gotten better to the point where I can sit in a chair without collapsing from weakness... Good sign! :)

It may sound weird, but sometimes I just want someone to tell me there's something wrong with me. When I feel this week and barely able to move around or do anything besides sleep and read, I don't want to be told that I'm fine... When you're told everything's fine, you can't fix it.

It's like the invisible problem. The doctor is out of ideas so there must not be anything wrong... Which is, of course, apparently not true.

I want to be told that I have some kinda problem or sickness that can be fixed... Because then I can work on fixing it.

On the positive side, I'm feeling slightly stronger today, and I finished 3 books. (I don't mean I read 3 entire books.. I tend to stop right when I'm at the end of a book because I hate finishing books. I finished Wild at Heart and Blink on Monday and started and finished Blue Like Jazz.)

Reading is nice sometimes. Much better than watching tv to me, anyway.

My boss doesn't expect me to come in until Monday so I'm just gonna try to rest and read some more maybe... And pray for John because he's sick too! Poor guy :(

Life's an adventure, this just isn't my favorite type hah...

I know.. I'll go watch The Aviator.

Yes, a man is a dangerous thing.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 18:35:32 GMT

"Yes, a man is a dangerous thing. So is a scalpel. It can wound or it can save your life. You don't make it safe by making it dull; you put it in the hands of someone who knows what he's doing" (Wild at Heart by John Eldridge, 83).

I have about 50 pages of Wild at Heart left, and I've got to say it's a pretty amazing book. The way it talks about warriors and the battle to fight at first makes me wonder where all the real men are, but then I understand why they are the way they are...

Lately I've been thinking about this kind of thing. I remember a few years ago I had decided that I was NEVER going to get married. Since then I've thought over the subject and changed my mind about that. I used to be scared of ending up in a marriage like so many unhappy couples I see, or I was scared of not being a good enough wife. Lately I've gained confidence because I finally realized I am a pretty good person. I always had problems with self-confidence (like almost ALL girls do) and I never believed I was good enough. Now I realize God made me how He wanted me to be, with a few things I can work on.

I know (and am determined, more than almost anything) to be a good wife. I don't want to be one in the multitude of wives who isn't doing their part in her marriage. It's hard for men to be men when you aren't being a woman, and vice versa.

I was telling Kelly than I wanted to work out to look good for my future husband, and she thought I was joking (like I am most of the time) but I was serious. I want to look nice for my future husband because once you're married, your body becomes his.

Ok that's kinda off the subject.. But anyway I just think a lot.. And this is one of the things I've been thinking about.

I'm not worried about things anymore because I know God has them under control. Whether I even get married or not is up to Him, and I'll learn to deal the best I can with whatever He throws at me ;)

Life is fun, because you never know if you're gonna get a box of chocolates. And if you get your box of chocolates, is there gonna be a piece of coconut in it? You bet! In every box there's always a piece that you need to give to someone else, so I'm giving God all my coconut haha....

So on Wednesday I got to work at 1:15 and it was warm out so I didn't even think of bringing a jacket. Later when it was really windy and in the 40s out, and I was cold. Then John gave me his jacket. He gives me hope that there are still good guys out in the world. He really is a gentleman (in more ways than one) but it does, in a way, give me hope. For a while I started to think (like many girls do) that all guys are the same and none of them are good, but I don't think that way anymore.

Now I know that there are good guys out there, and whichever one chooses me won't be disappointed. That's another one of my life goals. That, and learning to surf ;)

Anyway... Men... There's a lot I could say, but I don't know how to really make sense out of what's in my head.

Yes, a man is a dangerous thing.

"inaccurate" if you know what I mean

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:56:31 GMT

I've been thinking about stuff lately and feeling a little bit "inaccurate" if you know what I mean... Basically I mean I miss a lot.. That's what inaccurate means and it makes perfect sense to me, but most peoples' minds don't work like mine.

Anyway I'm feeling pretty good. Went to the gym for a little over 3 hours and I like working out so it was pretty nice.

Something made me laugh today but I'm too nice to say it to anybody. Mostly it's just because I don't like to hurt anyone's reputation so I just laugh about it to myself.

I'm working on memorizing 1 John 4:7-21 (like Pastor Jeff challenged us on Sunday) and I'm about halfway done. It seems a lot longer than I expected haha.

Going to bed now. Tomorrow is the last day a bunch of us will be able to go to Youth Group, so this will be goodbye. I was a little bit upset at first but now I realize John was smart to take us out. I like how things that don't look so good turn out better when you just accept them.

P.S. I need to go visit Heaven. I'm not suicidal, haha. I mean I need to go see the little girl named Heaven that I keep running out of time to visit. Remind me, ok?

:]

-Rachael

im stubborn

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 05:46:23 GMT

being stubborn is either good or bad depending on which circumstance I find myself in. Sometimes it's really good, sometimes it's not.

Right now I'm being stubborn about something that isn't so good. Problem is that no one can convince me I'm wrong, because I'm not. I can admit to being wrong, but in this situation things are easy to see.

I feel like my hands are tied behind my back and I can't change the circumstances. I like problems that can be fixed. Even if it's hard, I can work at it and fix the problem. Here I'm stuck in a box with my hands tied so I can't break free. I'm not totally discouraged because I know God is sitting outside the box waiting for the opportune moment to set me free from my cage and let me fix it.

The problem is that I can't do anything but sit and wait and hope. The other problem is that I'm running out of hope because I can't see any possible solution in which this problem is fixable.

I know that I never ask for help, but I'm just recently realizing that when I actually DO try to receive help, I can't take it. I can't receive the help. I'm too stubborn and just refute any help I get. (Even when the words are the same I would use from their side.)

I have no control, and another problem is that I don't trust anyone enough to give them control. I guess that's the main issue here. It's all about trust.

I think of all the people whom I've trusted in the past, and there are very few who haven't yet let me down.

And I don't retrust... I learned that too. I'll forgive you, but don't try to win me back. You won't convince me. It may be possible but don't push your luck.

What a nice blog this is, huh?

It's ok. I'm fine.

F reaked out
I nsecure
N eurotic
E motional

uh huh...

No, really. I'm ok.

I'm sure everything will be fine. I just need to remember to be the copilot. Even though I can't see God in the other seat and I feel like our plane is about to crash in the middle of the ocean, I need to trust that even if we do, maybe we'll wash up on a deserted island..

And who knows? Maybe MCL's plane crashed there too.

a pretty short one

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 08:01:22 GMT

I left my house this morning at 9:45 am and just got home a little after 11 pm.

Pretty amazing day, I might add.

John is awesome with his 60 tickets and buying us all lunch and letting us keep all our raffle prizes.

Sarah is really fun to be around and gives me endless ammo for inside jokes about a certain THING ;)

Kelly is my bestest friend, and she is just pretty much amazing.

Makalie didn't go with us, so she's definitely gonna be under that canopy tomorrow (if you know what I mean).

And now I'm very, very extremely tired and I'm gonna go sleep for a few hours before church.

One thing might be a little different though...

I realized I sometimes go way too far. The people that know me really well know that I'm joking probably 3/4 of the time, but sometimes I forget that other people don't know that. Sometimes I make comments about things and I might just come across as mean or heartless or.. I don't know.. But I don't really like that.

I'm still not gonna change my life around because of what people think, but there are a few important people whose thoughts on my actions are somewhat important. Basically I'm saying I may need to think more before I act and not joke QUITE so much...

But I had a great day. And I'm glad I went to the Friday night meeting. A bunch of other stuff I could say but I can't really put it into words (because I claimed this would be a short blog ;) haha but maybe someday I will.

So tomorrow, bright and early, I'm going to church. Now I need my sleep :)

on the fly... story... ch 1

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 08:58:19 GMT

and I don't mean it's about a fly, just on it:

So once there were two Canadians but that's gross so nobody wanted to hear the story. Anyway, there once was a Vietnamese man named Ho (who was NOT Canadian) walking past two Canadians and shaking his head at them (and not in the way Canadians shake their heads at each other).

The Vietnamese man came to a fork in the road where he had to make a choice between two roads: One had a wide-open gate that lead to a broad road, and the other led to a small gate and a narrow road. While they were parallel, the narrow gate seemed a lot harder to get past, almost like you needed to know somebody to be let in. He sat there contemplating his decision. The two entrances weren't drastically different, and he figured he had better make a good decision because of the peculiar wall which separated the two sides. It seemed impossible to get from the Wide Path to the narrow, as if you had to start at the beginning... But from the Narrow Path it seemed almost like the wall wasn't there. One could easily enter into the other side. Suddenly, the man saw all of his Vietnamese friends on the other side of the wide gate, waving frantically for him to come to them. All were oblivious to the pit of fire at the end of their path.

This point in his life gave him a chance to once-and-for-all give up his Vietnamese lifestyle... But the dancing on the other side caught his eye, and he couldn't resist. Upon entering the Wide Gate, he thought for a second he may just take a bit longer to decide, but as he turned around he realized there was no gate and he could no longer see the other path clearly. His visions was clouded by the singing and dancing not too far ahead. Almost all of the people nearby were dancing the night away.

"What's the occasion here?" Ho asked with a sudden interest.
"Occasion? Do you ever need an occasion to dance!?" his friend replied as he ran back to the dance floor.

Straining his eyes to see through the wall, there was also a part on the other side. The only difference was the cake: there was a table with cake, and nobody got to get on the dance floor unless they had already had their cake. 'What a curious place!' thought Ho. As he wondered about the strange cake ritual, a man saw him and motioned for him to come over. Ho did a double-take, amazed that the man could even see him through the haze. A woman who was partying suddenly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"Ignore those guys!" she laughed. "They never have any fun!" And that was the last time he looked to the other path.

I (don't) need you haha

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:01:18 GMT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lonely... Staring in the wall
You are not around
Questions I had on my mind
Answers yet not found

What do I wanna know
What should I wanna know

I'll be alright with or without you
I can make it on my own
I've got no reasons left to please you

I'm doin fine
My eyes are open
Now I know I won't go back
To what we had cuz I don't need you

Feelin so alive right now
Flying wild and free
Life is what you make of it
Finally I see

No time for make-believe
Now this is how I feel

I'll be alright with or without you
I can make it on my own
I've got no reasons left to please you

I'm doin fine - my eyes are open
Now I know I won't go back
To what we had
Cuz I don't need you

I'll be alright
With or without
Theres nothing - left

I'll be alright with or without you
I can make it on my own
I've got no reasons left to please you

I'm doin fine - my eyes are open
Now I know I won't go back
To what we had cuz I don't need you

(I don't need you, I dont need you)

I'm doin fine - my eyes are open
Now I know I won't go back
To what we had
Cuz I dont need you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I just got this song and it's already the top played song on iTunes because I just really like the song..
The ironic thing is that the second song is "Take My Hand" by Shawn McDonald where he's singing "I need you.. I neeed yoouuu!" (To God of course)

I love irony. And lots of other things. And life right now.

I'm just incredibly happy right now.

Oh yeah the reason for the lyrics above. Don't think I'm depressed or angry or something, because I'm not at all.

But I used to think that all I needed to be happy was to have friends and be loved, but now I realize I don't need you! All I really need is God, and once I realize that, He gives me His love and even more than I really need.

So basically, once you realize that you don't need anything else, God gives you it :)

I guess that's a simplistic view on it, but I really think it's true.

Last year I prayed and prayed for a friend, and I didn't get one. Then I realized God was all I needed, and then I started to get friends.

Also, today being the last day of the year, I naturally want to reflect on the year that's almost over. First here's a piece of what I wrote last New Year's Eve:

"I feel totally alone. I don't have anyone or anything. I don't feel close to my parents like I used to, my siblings feel farther away than ever, and I have no real friends."

Real nice, eh?

COMPLETE change to this year. I also said that 2006 was probably the worst year of my life, and I'd say that 2007 was one of the very best. It's had its rough parts, but in other way's it's been amazing.

As many people have said, I've changed so much this year it's crazy and some can barely recognize me from the shy reserved girl they used to know.

But I like it :D

I feel confident now. I know I have worth and I'm not depending on other people to make me feel like I do. I'm finally happy with where I am, and I know that things will work out how God wants them, so I really, really need to forget ever worrying about anything in life, and just kinda go with the flow.

And tonight I'm invited to my sister's house, the Manning's house, and Dave's (for New Year's parties) and I'm not sure which 2 people to disappoint with lack of my presence. (Ok so maybe I'm not THAT confident yet haha but I can fake it ;)

So anyway, only negative thing right now is that my asthma is pretty bad right now and it just feels hard to breathe. I might go get a shot or just try to take lots of breathing treatments. I'm sure it'll all be worked out soon. Maybe that can be God's New Year's present to me. It'd be nice to be totally healed from my asthma.

I'll just keep praying :)